Resources and Reflections

Coming soon — a blog space for resources, reflections, and tools to support you between sessions.

16/8/26:

Reflections on Anxiety

Anxiety gets a bad reputation. In therapy rooms and everyday conversation alike, it's often spoken about as something to be managed, silenced, or overridden — a problem part to be handled by a "calmer," more capable part of us. But from an IFS perspective, anxious parts aren't malfunctions. They have a role to play. They are trying, however clumsily, to keep us safe.

The trouble isn't that anxiety exists — it's that anxious parts can get stuck. Stuck in a level of arousal that made sense once, in a moment that needed vigilance, but which now operates at 3am in the morning, over things that were never actually emergencies. When we try to simply manage or suppress these parts, we miss the chance to actually help them. And parts that don't feel met tend to get louder, not quieter.

So instead of managing, we meet and come into relationship.

A practice: getting to know your anxious part

The next time anxiety shows up, with Self energy try turning toward it rather than away from it — with curiosity rather than judgment.

Get to know it. See if it has a name, an age, a shape, a felt sense in the body.
Ask what it's afraid of. Anxious parts are almost always guarding something tender — an exile, an old wound, a fear of things falling apart in some way.
Do the healing work. As that part comes into relationship with the Self, it feels seen, heard and understood. The burden it carries is transformed and released, and so it is able to become less extreme in its role. This is slow, gentle work, and it doesn't happen in one sitting.

Then comes rehabilitation

Once an anxious part feels less burdened, something interesting happens — it becomes available for a new kind of relationship and role within the system. This is where the coaching begins: helping the part naturally find more productive ways to contribute than obsessing, ruminating, or catastrophising about the future.

Self-energy leads this process — kind but firm. We invite it this part of us to mature and senior alongside us. Give it real problems to chew on instead of imagined future disasters. Keep it engaged with what's actually in front of us. And where possible, give it plenty of exposure to nature and the natural world — anxious parts often soften in the presence of something larger, slower, and steadier than the nervous system's own pace.

Anxiety, met well, doesn't need to be exiled or managed into silence. It can mature into a wise, careful and experienced ally, helping us solve problems and make more informed choices and decisions.

15/8/26:

Reflections on Self-Energy

For most of my life, I related to the world through my parts.

I am autistic and highly sensitive, and my nervous system has always taken in more than most systems are built to hold — sound, smell, texture, other people's emotional weather, the sheer volume of the world. A great deal of my internal system's energy has gone, and still goes, into managing that: parts working hard to down-regulate a nervous system that is frequently overwhelmed. Other parts learned early on to mask my deeper discomfort — parts that were not soothed the way they needed, parts that didn't want to make other people uncomfortable, as if that were ever really in my control. (That belief deserves its own post entirely — the quiet, exhausting work of parts who think they're responsible for other people's feelings.)

For a long time, this was simply how I lived. Deeply unhappy, deeply self critical, always anxious. Parts doing their jobs, endlessly, often invisibly, and at real cost.

Eventually that cost showed up in my body. I developed a complex autoimmune condition — serious, and affecting my whole system. And what struck me, once I could see it clearly, was how precisely the illness mirrored the psychological pattern underneath it: a body that no longer recognised itself, attacking its own tissue as though it were foreign. Internally, something similar had been happening for years — so many parts in the foreground that it had become genuinely hard to tell who, or what, was actually me.

Healing happened slowly, and unevenly — part by part, bit by bit — and the psychological and emotional healing was mirrored in the physiological realm too, as my body went into remission from the illness. And what I found, as each part was able to unblend and unburden, wasn't something new being built. It was something being revealed. Self-energy was already there. It had been there the whole time, underneath the noise, waiting.

The subtlety of parts pretending to be Self-energy

Here's what I've come to believe is worth sitting with: it is remarkably easy for a part to step in and play the role of Self-energy. This can be so subtle that we mistake it for the real thing. But if there is any turning away from discomfort happening — even at the smallest, most imperceptible level — a part is present.

I mean this literally down to the micro level: a slight shift in tone of voice. A brief look away or down. A small tightening in the throat or chest before speaking. These are not neutral. They are tiny movements away from something, and Self-energy doesn't move away from anything.

A useful (and slightly humbling) rule of thumb: if you find yourself thinking "this is Self-energy," it's probably a part. And if there is any agenda at all present — even a well-meaning one — it's probably a part too. Self-energy doesn't need anything to happen. It simply is, vast and spacious, alongside whatever is here.

What Self-energy actually feels like

Self-energy is a personal experience. I offer what I have personally felt, and what I have heard many people report: that when Self-energy is genuinely present — which is often transient but powerfully felt — there's a quality of incredible spaciousness, enough room to hold whatever emotion or fear shows up, without needing to fix, flee, or fight it. There's calm, but not the calm of denial or the absence of danger — a calm that can sit right alongside real threat or real fear without being overtaken by it. There's acceptance of what is, exactly as it is, in this moment. And there's also energy — a felt sense of revitalisation and connection to something much "more" than us, and the feeling of awe that comes with this.

IFS names a cluster of these qualities as the 8 C's — calm, curiosity, clarity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness — alongside choice, our capacity to respond rather than react. And underneath those, another set of relational qualities: patience, persistence, perspective, playfulness, and presence — the ones that let Self-energy stay in relationship with a part over time, rather than needing an instant resolution.

I've also found real resonance in Bill Plotkin's Wild Mind, which maps human wholeness onto four facets rather than a single unified state: a nurturing, generative capacity to care for ourselves and others; a wild, sensuous, instinctive aliveness; an innocent, curious openness to wonder; and a deep, soulful knowing that guides us from within. Different language, different map — but pointing, I think, toward the same underlying truth IFS points to: that wholeness was never something to build from scratch. It was always in there, waiting to be unburdened enough to be felt.